Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
