My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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