I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
