OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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