I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
