I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize