Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
