Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
