who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
