I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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