How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize