have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
