can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
