If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He did a backflip because drugs
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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