i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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