Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
