I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
COCAINE IS GR8
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
