I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
