Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
