So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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