she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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