last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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