I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
