Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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