well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
