Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize