My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
