Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
