Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
