Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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