The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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