I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
