I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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