she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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