Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
