Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize