Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
