I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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