He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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