After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
