If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
