She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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