All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
