Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
