My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
