I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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