Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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