every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
