I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
