You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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