how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
