dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
