I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
