everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
