It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
