Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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