Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
