I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
