I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
This is classic penis vs brain.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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