I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
