Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
