ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
