Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Randomize
