4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
