i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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