I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
