what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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