No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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